I watched "Doubt" today and was once again amazed at Meryl Streeps acting ability. She is my favorite actress, surpassing Nichole Kidman for the number one spot. That movie is very good. Phillip Seymor Hoffman's character is a Priest and in the middle of the movie, he gives a sermon that leaves me with that feeling of Deja Vu....well, actually it relates to what is going on in my life right now.

The more I am thinking about Norther California, the more I am excited about the thought. I checked out some internet sites about Winters and its Surroundings and there is plenty to do. Hiking, camping, kayakings, redwoods, San Francisco, Sacramento, California, Pacific Ocean...Plus a good education and an extremely liberal environmnet. Amy has a garden in which we can grow our own veggies, the town is small with a population of about 7000 but only 15 minutes away from a bigger city. I could go to school, clear my thoughts and focus and make a decision of what I want to do. I'd be able to bike more as the town is a bikers dream. There is plenty of outdoor activities I can be a part of. Close to the beach and the mountains and some big cities. I think I found what I am doing in August.

Now I just need to save money. I'm considering moving back home to my mom's or possibly with my brother and sister in law in Miami. I'm not sure just yet but I need to start saving for a road trip to Northern California because I'd like to stop place along the way and meet up with friends and loved ones. Maybe I'll cut through Texas and stop at the HA. Oh, that would be delightful....kinda. ;)

Seriously though, maybe a change of scenery is what I need? I just wish I had my friends with me to discuss it with them....

Namaste.

As I write this, it is 4:47 am and I am once again, unable to sleep. Its been this way for the past few days, ever since an incident. Ugh. I hate fighting. I hate fighting with friends and people that I love. I also hate group mentalities, gossip, and cruelty. I've been guilty of all of those and being on the receiving end has inspired me to take longer looks at my own thoughts, and the words that come out of my mouth.

I will only edify others.

How could everything be going just fine one moment then the next moment, my whole life feels like it is being ripped out from underneathe me?

But, even so, I still have a good life. I have friends all over the world who love me and know me. That is a comfort in this time of physical isolation.

Contrary to what some may believe, I was in the hospital Friday night. Why would anyone question whether or not someone else was in the hospital? All I asked for was for people to pray for me and send good thoughts because after all, I know I'm sensitive, but friday night was probably one of the worst nights of my entire life.

I went on a date this past Saturday, very simple and plain. We went to Cest La Vie, this amazing french restaurant in Sarasota. Then we just walked around the Marina, talking, watching the ships dock. It was a breath of fresh air. As with most dates, it was a little awkward at first, but we both warmed up to one another. Maybe a movie this week? (dollar theatre! lol)

My mom was in an accident last night. Some dude slammed into her side of the car. Thankfully she is alive but she is pretty banged up and bruised.

The opportunity to move to Northern California came up this weekend. Amy, this amazing woman, has invited me to share her cottage for a year while I get things sorted out and establish who I am better with myself. This is a viable optoin.

So, I truly and honestly hope that whatever the hell is going on with me and those I love (and I'm sure love me) gets handled appropriately. If people have a problem with me, tell me. If they see me do something they don't agree with, point it out. At the same time, trust is one of the most important parts of any relationship. So if there is no trust...we will get nowhere.

I desperately want to get somewhere.
And whether things get patched up or not, I still love them all.

Anyway, by the looks of things i'll probably be writing another blog in about 6 months. Or maybe sooner.

Who knows?

With love,
matthew

Its been six months since I have visited this site, refusing to post anything of substance until I got my head on straight.

I'm learning that that time of clarity will not arrive in my life.
Maybe when my ashes are spread out at sea?

So much has happened in my life this half a year. I took some giant steps in becoming more comfortable in my own skin. Received some good support, while others, many others, took the first exit they saw.

Its never easy losing people.

I lost one of my best friends to a dream, fantasy, romanticized life that "said friend" just had to have. It sucks when you are shown where you lie on the spectrum of life for someone. Its never as easy to get over as one hopes. For me at least.

But in that process, new life has blossomed. And that is beautiful.
Those remnants, of the old beauty that I have cherished so much in my life, old friends, old way of doing things...those remnants are missed.

I am a collector of burdens

I was talking with two of my best friends last night and I realized that we are called to help carry one anothers burdens.

We traverse through life and the hardships we encounter along the way and things stick to us.

Pain.
Happiness.
Sorrow.
Joy.

But we must never forget how to cry.
We must never forget how to laugh.
For our humanity is wrapped up in these to seemingly simple acts.

For those of you who have forgotten, safely know that I will shed the tears and spread the smiles for you until you learn how to again.